Baby Losers

I think some women just are. Baby losers. For no apparent medically relevant reason.

The woman I wrote about several posts ago-
I have a blog friend. Don't know her in "real life" but she has what's called a Dead Baby Mama Blog. I stupidly read a lot of them, though not as obsessively as I used to. I've tried to not allow this to become one of those. Don't know how successful I've been.

She's buried two sons in a row. She's also had two healthy sons bookmarked on the outside of those two. And she's pregnant again. When I read that the other day, I remember thinking "Why? Why would you do that again?" Ironic, I know. But I'm imagining spending every day, no matter what I appear to be doing, preoccupied with the question of whether or not I am still carrying life.

I don't want to do that again.

BUT, what if it goes okay for her? What if in the end, she's holding something wrapped in a blanket that yawns and roots and squeaks? Something warm. Something that doesn't just lay there dead and beautiful? What if it's worth it?

-she went in for her 19 week (Ooohhh! 19 weeks- what is it about you!?) ultrasound yesterday after hearing his heartbeat on her at-home doppler the day before and heard these words (that I'm quoting from her blog), "Unfortunately, honey, the baby is no longer alive."

Today the decision to close up shop biologically feels like a fabulous one.