Crazy Aunt Ethel

Know how everyone has that one odd family member? Maybe it's your crazy Aunt Ethel who's never been completely right, but you love her anyway. Ours would be Walter.

Last night we had planned to camp out in the backyard. We had watched the weather reports and knew that ugly stuff was coming, so we did all of our outdoor festivities (i.e. offering ourselves as human sacrifices to the colony of mosquitoes who rule our yard, yet don't pay the mortgage) and then trudged all our blankets and pillows into the basement. We then played the longest game of UNO ever, which Mouse (who has just learned her numbers) won.

And since Birch has a bad back and I'm just a fan of mattresses in general, he brought the double off the bottom of Holt's bunk bed for the two of us. Carolina slept in her sleeping bag between Birch and the wall, Juliana was snuggled up next to my side and Holt was on the other side of her. No one gave much thought to Walter.

4 a.m.

I am awakened by something. I look up and right above me is Walter, panting so hard I considered offering him a paper bag, and grinning with a "I've finally lost it for real" gleam in his eye.

Holt wakes up.

He needs an escort to the bathroom. We were, after all, in the basement and it's "scary" down there. When we get back, Holt decides it is his mission in life to soothe and fix Walter. There IS no soothing and fixing of Walter. Next month will be one year he has been a Jones, and whatever kinks are left are staying. One of those kinks is a pathological fear of thunderstorms (and Birch and the UPS truck, but that's for another day).

Walter is shaking like a leaf and his frenetic panting is wafting an almost visible cloud of bad breath that is hanging above us.

Mouse wakes up. Juliana wakes up.

There are three of them now trying to "help".

Birch wakes up. It's now a full-fledged party, complete with music from Mother Nature. And the more it thunders and lightnings, the more freaked Walter gets. The more freaked Walter gets, the more intense the efforts are to calm him. Then it just gets out of hand.

"Anyone wanna play UNO?"

"Daddy, before you were snoring so loud that I tapped you in the head. But that just made you snore louder."

Now the flashlights come out. Walter is in a near frenzy as he can't tell which flashes are coming from outside and which are in the room...WITH...Him!

So Birch steps in. Birch loves a good thunderstorm. Walter is less afraid of him than he is of the weather, and he's been known to allow Birch access to him during these temporary lapses in judgment. If you ask him, he'll admit to turning to me last summer after a particularly loud crack of thunder and announcing, "It's time for you to leave."

"Suzanne, did you bring his water downstairs? All this panting is probably making him thirsty."

Um, it's 4 a.m. He can drink out of the toilet. (Okay, I didn't really say that because that belongs in another category of posts called Things That Make me Gag Part Three). So Birch lopes upstairs to get his water bowl and puts it in the downstairs kitchen.

Then he commentates.

I don't know if you realize this, but Birch has a gift. He can commentate anything, from college football to women's Olympic events he's never heard of. "He's going towards the water. He's too afraid to get there. I think he's going. Oh! He can't bring himself to do it!" It was like being in bed with Steve Irwin as he speaks in a whisper about a nest of alligators he's just found. Unbelievable.

Walter is now trying to squeeze himself between the wall and Birch's side of the mattress. The problem is that Mouse's 31 pound body happens to be currently occupying that space.

Next thing I know, Birch is patting the mattress between us and calling the dog. "Oh, no he DIH-UHNT!" I offer to leave the two of them alone and carry my pillow and blanket upstairs, but Walter is refusing.

The dog doesn't know what to do with himself. He's now stepped on every single one of us except Birch. The flashlights have been shut off. All four of them are calling to him. We are all stinkin awake- AT 4 IN THE MORNING.

And then...

I'm really not making this up- He decides that WE'RE more stressful than the storm and leaves and goes back to sleep in Birch's office.

Ba dum bum.