Announcement

A year ago I would never have imagined this. It has been a long time coming, but I think I'm ready to say it. Here goes.

I am not going to grow any more babies. I will never again read a plus sign on a pregnancy test. I will never again pull my maternity clothes from the garage. I will never again wait and wait and wait to feel a baby kick. I will never again (thank you, Jesus) stare at an ultrasound machine looking for a comforting flicker. I will never again entertain myself by pushing on my belly to see if anything kicks back. I will never again burp back fish oil vitamins that taste like something that washed up on the banks of the Mississippi. I will never again listen to those racing hoof beats on a doctor's doppler. I will never again give birth. I will never again nurse a baby.

I have so much joy in my life, but I am not who I was. I wouldn't erase the briefness of those two sons and that long-ago daughter. I thank them for their gifts. And I know that someday my family will all be together. The three we hold. The three we don't.

Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While you're busy making other plans,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

~ John Lennon

In a card I received after we lost Crawford, my grandmother wrote, "Someday we will understand. For now, we trust." Jesus, I'm trying.